Thursday, October 21, 2010

Update on My Madness

Have I figured everything out? Ofcourse not! Have I lost some weight? Who knows? Have I been dong the program 100% Bells yes! Do I like! Do I like writing in my journal everyday and reading scriptures...yes!
The food thing is kinda funny...I don't miss the sugar at all...white flour avoidance is a nuisance...eating fruit...easy...eating veggies...not so bad. Drinking all my water makes me pee all the time...another nuisance. So I try to have it all in me by suppertime.
The 7 hours of sleep has been easier than I thought it would be...I have only had to have a short nap once in over 3 weeks. No eating after 8 is so easy since I hate eating after 6...makes my tummy hurt.
Doing an act of kindness has been super easy since I love doing things for my friends and family.
So tell me why I am hating this? Is it because deep down inside I hate being told what I can and cannot do? Is it something deeper? I want to do the whole 8 weeks but I am not enjoying butt hurts...and I have to pee all the time.
The motto for this challenge is "I can do hard things"...maybe I can do hard things when I don't have a choice but would anyone really choose to do hard things? I like soft my bed...clouds and fluffy towels. Hard things are yucky like sugar free candies that get stuck in your throat, cranky old people and my bicycle seat.
Do I sound like a spoiled kid who doesn't want to clean up a mess they made? Wait don't answer that! I want/like to exercise...but I am having trouble finding something that doesn't hurt my butt or aggravate my plantar pool is out of the question now..way chilly! We are strapped right now with Cory working only part joining a gym has to wait.
Someone call a waaambulance... I am such a whiner right now.
Lets switch to the positive...I feel good overall. I know I have lost clothes are fitting a bit differently. Jonece and Dene have cut way back on their sugar intake...Jonece is even doing most of my challenges with me. I have started journalling again...I am sleeping better...I have more psoriasis looks great...I am finding some kick butt no sugar recipes...I am enjoying Meredith's rolls with whole wheat flour. I am sure there are a lot more positives but right now I can't think of any. I just got back from a hour long bike ride and I need a shower.
I have made no progress mentally...I still have no idea why I...on some level...fear losing weight. I will continue to try and figure it...promise me you will all continue to pray for me...I have to keep going and I can't do it alone.
Love to all
One sore butt L

Saturday, October 02, 2010

8 Weeks to Madness

If you don't absolutely love me stop reading right now!

So I am doing this 8 weeks to wellness right now and it is hard but it seems to be worth it. I have lost about 4 lbs in the first week but that is probably just water weight. I have committed myself to trying for at least the first 4 weeks. Since the first week is done I have 3 weeks to go...and I can stand on my head for that length of time! So I can do this right? right???
I have made a bigger commitment to myself and that is losing weight...I bought a scale at the beginning of this adventure and it shocked me...265lbs...that is really hard for me to write down for all the world to see. But since you are still reading you absolutely love me and won't judge me or mock me in any way.
I have struggled with my weight for long time...I realize it is more than just a very slow metabolism, I have issues that started at about 18. I was very cute and had a rockin bod...I got alot of attention that I was very uncomfortable with...after I got husband was possessive, jealous and mean. Somewhere deep down inside I thought it was all my fault and if I just made myself unattractive enough things would be better. Well that was a load of crock I sold myself. After my divorce the weight fell off and I was feeling great...but good things never last. I was assaulted and again deep down inside I blamed I put some weight back on to protect myself from these kinds of things. Again I sold myself a pile of poo...but you have to understand hind sight is 20/20 and at the time it was mostly subconscious.
Met Twain and fell in love...went back to a nice normal more healthy weight. Then he died and I cocooned myself again from the world with an extra 50 lbs. Thinking no one would love me at that weight so I was safe from ever getting hurt again...another pile of you know what.
Fell in love with Cory and all bets were off. I feel safe...I feel loved...I think if I received unwanted attention I could handle why do I have all these extra lbs on still? Good question and when I figure that out I am sure the weight will be easier to lose.
But I can't wait any weight is a health concern.
I looked into surgery and went through all the steps...but when we prayed about it I felt strongly that I shouldn't do it at this time.
I guess I have to figure this out and conquer it myself.
I can't believe I am sharing this on my blog...and its not even private.
I am going to use my blog as a kind of journal for my honest to holes it or die...attempt at becoming healthier...and we all know that means losing weight.
Pray for me please...I cannot do this alone...I am not strong enough.
One not so skinny L